Satire: The Clothes Make the Woman, or, What to Wear to Your Family Reunion
Read Books and Fight the Patriarchy Tee
Our sassy T-shirt makes it clear that you are adorable but have convictions. Perfect for a family reunion with people you pray to ever-loving God made good choices last year. You definitely won’t ask, and neither will they, but this shirt will subtly convey that if Joe dies you are 100% okay with Kamala taking the reins.
Pink. Pre-shrunk fabric. Eco-friendly production. Matriarchy approved.
Cover Girl Dress
Rich detail and bonhomie characterize our easy, breezy hi-lo dress with hem details. Your cousin with the insanely glamorous insta feed and thousands of followers will be able to see that you are also very pretty but not at all competitive, because you don’t care about that stuff. You’ve gained weight but it’s fine because you’re comfortable with who you are. And also because your cousin is a kind and funny person who has no idea you are engaged in this ridiculous competition that she is 100% winning.
Periwinkle. Machine wash. Size: not where you’d hoped to be by this trip. Hair: Not Included.
Modern Woman Ankle Jeans
As Acid-washed as your acerbic tongue, our skinny ankle jeans have button fly, five pockets, and a raw-edge hem. Proprietary cotton/polyester/lycra blend helps contain your gut instincts as you bite said tongue and practice deep breathing while you choose not to engage in yet another verbal manifesto from your entitled white male family member about how he earned his place in life with no help from anyone. The raw-edge hem represents the loose threads of his reasoning, but should not be pulled on lest you damage the overall family and/or garment.
Machine wash. Immediately.
Bombay Sapphire Swimsuit
The deep V-neckline will show off the bejeweled birthday necklace from your husband, a small visual clue that well-off people can still care about societal issues. Elegant embroidery ensures you will look utterly regal as you drink your martini just a touch to eagerly. Let our cleavage control work its magic as you recline and contemplate how your family can be filled with such wonderful, loving people who will not make decisions based in empathy.
Available in Sadness Blue or Never-Ending Night. Adjustable straps.
Star Military Jacket
Our comfortable military-inspired jacket is so cool and Americana with stars all over, four patch pockets, and adjustable tie for perfect fit. It’s your job to prove being a liberal doesn’t mean you’re not a patriot. The stars and military thing will absolutely balance the “Read Books and Fight the Patriarchy” T-Shirt that you decided to bring instead of your “Black Lives Matter” blouse, because you are too chicken shit to engage with the Grandma you only see every 3 years and you do not have the courage of your convictions, apparently.
Green with Star Pattern and therapist hotline sewn into the lining.
Lacey Boots
Laser-cut leather leaves these boots a shell of themselves. Much like you, as you head back to the airport. Let our comfort soles protect your feet from the added weight of failure. The lace detailing resembles your hodge-podge attempts to save your loved ones from the pernicious influence of “conservative” “journalism.” You let the comfort and ease of spending time with people you somehow adore despite everything to distract you from your obligations. Namely, to make them understand that they cannot continue to behave in blind and unkind ways. These durable, well-crafted boots will ensure you can run from your mistakes for years to come!
Yellow, with feather detail. Non-replaceable soul.